Sunday 19 April 2015

"I am healthy and strong and beautiful and so are you"- Week 22

It's taken a lot of time and obsessing for me to really accept the way I look. Body image has always been something that consumed my thoughts even from a very young age. I have always enjoyed life, and food has been a big part of that. I love eating... who doesn't? But, growing up, I remember wondering why I looked the way I did and others (girls specifically) looked so different.

I've always been athletic and I started playing soccer early in life. The muscles in my thighs developed very quickly and I found myself becoming more and more self conscious of them. I have always had to get a bigger pant size in my waist, simply to accommodate my legs. I would then obsess over the actual size on the label and turned jean shopping into a nightmare experience (sorry, Mum).

As I got older and understood what dieting really was, I tried them all. I dieted to change my appearance, I dieted to get "healthy" and I dieted to ensure I was the best athlete I could be. I put "healthy" in quotations because at the time, even up until a few years ago- I really didn't know what "healthy" was.

I used to associate "health" with the number on the scale. "How do I weigh this much? I must not be healthy."....NO, NO, NO.
I finally realized that WEIGHT IS JUST A NUMBER and labels on clothes are ALSO JUST NUMBERS. They mean absolutely nothing....

Exception: If you are fighting in a boxing match and your weight needs to be within 10 pounds of your opponent's, the number kind of matters. I didn't know that this was as strict a rule as it really is... if we don't meet this requirement, it's simple- we don't fight.

Most members of the fight team have lost weight from their initial weigh-in 6 months ago but I have gained weight. Our weight is too close for comfort and it's my job to lose a few pounds to ensure we're as equal as possible. I'm not going to lie, the thought of this really scared me at first. I hate the emphasis of the number on the scale in this situation because even though I have gained weight, I have never felt stronger or healthier in my life.  It is definitely not easy to limit what I am eating, especially with the amount I am training. I constantly require fuel, but with the right foods, I find I am completely satisfied! The more I workout, the more I also fear that I might be gaining more muscle and upping my weight on the scale but I can't focus too much on that. I am eating as healthy as possible and doing all that I can do.

I love the way my body looks right now and despite growing up thinking my legs were ugly and big, I fully embrace them and have never been more proud to have a "voluptuous" lower half! My legs are STRONG and they're providing me with balance and stability and I should also thank them for getting me where I need to be, every second of my life.

My body is exactly the way it is because that is how I was created. I no longer want to change a single thing about myself! I don't know if it's age or boxing that brought me to this epiphany but whatever it was, I wish I had this knowledge and love for myself as far back as I can remember.

I am healthy and strong and beautiful and SO ARE YOU. Believe that. Confidence is the prettiest accessory you can wear.


Sunday 12 April 2015

What.The.F*$%.- Week 21

What.The.F*S%.

I knew this day was coming... I had been warned about it by some of the past FTEC fighters... the day that we would get in the ring against Virgil. I never really thought anything of it and with my confidence building each day, I thought it couldn't be THAT bad.

I WAS WRONG.

'Shocking' is the best way I could describe what went down yesterday. How could Virgil, this beautiful, amazing, NICE man who I thought was my FRIEND turn into this evil villain and punch me THAT hard SO many times in the face? SHOCK. How rude.

I had to wait my turn as I watched him basically beat up everyone that went before me.  I took a few deeps breaths, gave myself an actual pep talk in the mirror and reluctantly stepped into the ring. I was asking Sasa (my corner coach for this fight) so many questions just to delay this from actually happening. I honestly can't even explain to you how it all went down because I forgot every single thing I've ever been taught thus far in boxing. The first two minutes surprisingly went by fairly quickly and I was sitting in my corner, with Sasa in front of me giving me water as my tears came FLOWING down my cheeks. He asked if I wanted to stop and I asked him to wipe my tears off my face. I was ready for round two. The next two rounds went by slower than the first one but I felt like I stood my ground a little better than I did initially. I was focused and out of the 'survival mode' I fell into right off the bat.

Finally, I was done and still standing- until I raced to the bathroom and fell to the floor in full on hysterics. Come on, of course I cried. I have NEVER felt anything like this before. Physically, I was fine, I was just emotionally drained from six long minutes. So many different thoughts were entering and exiting my brain. I didn't even know what to think.

What I do know is I am SO thankful that so many of my 'crazy' Kingsway Boxing family have and just did go through the exact same experience I did. I wasn't alone. I mean, maybe some of the guys didn't outwardly show their feelings like I did, but I could sense their tears building up...just wanting to be set free. I had the best talks with some amazing people who finally calmed me down after this insane experience. Thank you guys, you know who you are. :)

Now, sitting here feeling like an actual truck ran over me, I have a whole new set of emotions. I am BEYOND proud of myself. I made it through three full rounds with a MAN who is big, strong and an experienced and amazing boxer who also knows exactly how I fight. OF COURSE he was going to beat me up!
My weaknesses became VERY obvious to me and I am already working on them every time I pass a mirror in my condo. I am a boxer and I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I am surprising myself!

I didn't realize coming into this entire experience, how much it was going to change me. I had the opportunity to take this stand and chose to knock cancer out and I'm doing it for those who weren't and won't be given that choice.

Today I am feeling strong, motivated, powerful and amazing.

Side note: Jenn and David came to my work on Thursday to film The Princess Margaret's President & CEO, Paul Alofs and to get some funny little clips of me, hard at work! I can't wait to see how everything comes together!! It was such a fun afternoon!

Have a great week, people and don't forget to take a minute and acknowledge how amazing you are every once in a while!

PS Check out these amazing pics by Nicholas Theodorou taken on Easter Weekend from our video shoot!







Monday 6 April 2015

"What am I going to think about after this?" -Week 19 & 20

It is April 6th today... that means there is 53 days left until the fight.... pardon? I can't even deal. Not to mention there is even less time before I have to get up on that stage in front of the media and step onto a scale.. what woman would ever consciously say they want to do that? NOT ME. But I'll survive.

It's insane that in less than 2 months, this is all going to be over. What am I going to do with my life? What am I going to think about after this?

Here is a little recap of the amazingness that is being a fighter in FTEC:

1. You learn a completely new sport (and actually get pretty good at it if you put in the time).

2. You get to be part of the coolest photo shoots! I know some people  might not love this but regardless of your comfort in front of a camera, the entire day spent with the FTEC team and all of the amazing individuals behind the success of the event was a day I will never forget. Team bonding at its best!

3. No matter what I have going on in my personal life, sometimes the most difficult experiences- I know that I can show up at the gym, no judgement and no questions asked and completely escape from the real world. (That feeling I get when I'm on the soccer field is now the same feeling I have when I'm in the ring)

4. You gain a new family- I was handed the most badass family of anyone around- my coaches, my fellow FTEC team and every single individual at the gym that puts in so much time and lots of sweat to help us prepare for the big day. They may be swinging hard at our bodies and faces but in the end- they do it because they love us.

5. You get to be part of something so much bigger than you could have ever imagined... Seriously, when would I have ever had the opportunity to train for 7 months for a BOXING match? I have been watching boxing on TV and I'm like.."Oh my God... I'm doing what?!" But IT'S SO COOL. Not only am I boxing, but I am raising money for CANCER RESEARCH. I am fighting for those who can't. Why wouldn't I do this?

Now, I know that the above list sounds pretty amazing... at least it does to me and I am so lucky to have experienced it all, but you all know if you've read any of my blog posts that this journey is NOT EASY. Here is a list of some of the things that go through my head on a regular basis:

1."Wait, why am I doing this?"
2. "I hate boxing."
3. "I LOVE BOXING!"
4. "I can't believe he hit me so hard in the face."
5. "Why isn't he trying hard with me?"
6. "Why doesn't she hit me harder? Does she not think I can take it?"
7. "He must not think I'm very good."
8. "Virgil put me with all the guys because he thinks I'm good enough"
9. "Virgil took me out of the ring with all the guys because he doesn't think I'm good enough"
10. "I'm the best boxer EVER"

BUT, no matter what my thought process was that day and as you can see, it goes up and down and all over the place... my lasting thought is that I am obsessed with everything this experience has offered me.
I love going to the gym, I love getting in the ring, I love texting Virgil on a regular basis to annoy him because he said we can text him at any time of any day and he'd respond (and he always does!) and I love the people I have met and grown so close to.

I am SUPER excited for all the excitement to continue to build all the way to FIGHT NIGHT but I am SO sad because I don't want this to end!!!!

Thank you to my entire Kingsway Family and everyone that has been part of my journey. This is something that I will NEVER EVER EVER EVERRRRRR forget.

AND- thank you to all of my donors, friends and family for sponsoring me in this fight! I am just short of $6000! If you can and would like to support me, you can follow this link: http://www.fighttoendcancer.com/fighters/